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Saturday, August 30, 2014

Own what you say

I bet everyone reading this think that they are nice


I have to tell you that a lot of you aren't. I mean, I am not nice sometimes. But I am aware of it, and I feel guilty and I mull it over and think about it. Being "honest" these days has become synonymous with really just being an asshole with the end result being the tagline from said person being "just sayin'". As though those last two words added onto any sentence makes it acceptable.

 I am here to tell you; it does not.


Integrity means doing what's right even if you're the only one that knows, Natachia Barlow Ramsey, Postpartum Psychosis


Integrity is a tricky little witch. The dictionary defines Integrity as: the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.
I agree. I also believe it's difficult not to be swayed by the views of others. This is not to be confused with valuing others' opinions, keeping an open mind when given new information and perhaps you gain a new perspective. 

I particularly find it difficult at times to go my own way and keep steadfast in my moral beliefs when it's easier to just pretend. The things I hold nearest and dearest to my heart are that even if we stumble a little off course at times, if we at least continuing to try it will eventually work itself out. 
Maybe I am naive. Just as I don't judge people on their religious beliefs, sexual preferences, pro-life/pro-choice. I am pro-life but I believe in pro-choice. Just as I believe I get to make that decision for myself, I want for others to be able to make that decision as well. 

I know I know what's my point? I run a page on facebook called Own What You Say. I haven't paid much attention to it for the last year or so but the premise was if you are going to say something take ownership of your words.
I occasionally look back and think, Jeez did I really shove that out at 2am and then go on to blog another post the next day about the same thing as if my mouth had diarrhea? Yep! That was me. Sometimes I think "maybe I should just delete that post and make like I didn't go just a bit overboard". But you know, I am just as human as you and if I don't leave said posts there to remind myself of those mistakes it would be easy to let myself think I am just as "nice" as a lot of people pretend to be.

I would rather say, yeah I gotta get a better filter for my mouth especially after midnight. I want to stay truest to myself and I know who I am and how I got here. That doesn't mean I never get pissed off, or have a bad day. It also doesn't mean I think saying "just sayin'" makes being rude acceptable. But I can't think of one person who knows me who would say they thought I was fake. And I would always rather have it that way and I like my integrity.

**This is a post written a while back as well. I actually have several that I am going to push out "as is" over the next several weeks** 

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Stigmama.com

MY PSYCHOSIS SONG; NATACHIA BARLOW RAMSEY



Welcome to Stigmama.com

I have always believed in the power of women, especially those who have been touched by mental illness or mental difference, to create change. We are different. We  see what others don’t, write what others won’t, and give beauty to the deepest experiences of motherhood and the human soul.

I created Stigmama for mothers of all ages to do just that. To speak their truths in a non judgmental, supportive, creative community. We need the wisdom and support of others to unpack stigma of mental difference in motherhood.

How does it impact your life as a mother? How did it impact your mother’s life? Or your grandmother? If you are interested in writing for Stigmama, please contact me.

Walker Karraa

Lube Anyone?

*The Post You Are About The Read May Not Be Safe For Work, Church, Your Home Office, Your Car Or Anywhere Other Than The Privacy of Your Bathroom Sitting Safely on Your Toilet With The Door Locked*


This won't hurt a b....

Postpartum Psychosis, Natachia barlow ramsey, depression, own what you say, natachia barlow, postpartum psychosis stories

If you have gotten this far and want to proceed, you too may want to be sitting on your porcelain throne.

So, as you are all probably aware the Department of Health and Human Services in Maine has been a part of my life more or less since 1999. Now I have fought and won many a battle with them in various court settings all under the umbrella of "The Commissioner".
Yet, once again as they smile to my face and look me in the eye and I think to myself  "Oh this isn't going to be so bad", they quickly bend me over and there is no lube involved.

I am mentally drained.

I'd like to say the "worst part is"... they do it with a smile. Well honestly it's more like a grimace or a smirk. But there are too many "worst parts". I guess believing that Human Services actually means Humane services is just laughable in Maine anyway.

*Originally blogged around 1am and has been sitting in my "draft folder as is" for almost two months*



Friday, May 9, 2014

I Cried today

It's 2am and I have a belly ache


I thought I could drift off but just as I turned off the light my mind began to wander and into a million thoughts it roamed and soon I just began to cry. The crying doesn't happen that often, but here's what does...


I try to close my eyes and as I am fading into sleep my mind wanders and I start thinking about the all
Postpartum Psychosis, Natachia barlow ramsey, depression, own what you say, natachia barlow, postpartum psychosis stories
the people who I am upset at. All the things going on I want to fix. All the people who have let me down. My thoughts quickly and fluidly digress from one person to another to another as one connection meets another in my mind. 
A lot of these people don't know each other, some do. Each one thinking it's their duty to dole out justice in some form as they see fit. Or it's up to them to make sure _____________ fill in the blank. I am the only one who knows this get repeated all the time. I am the one who goes to bed each night and as my mind wanders I think of the local police officer who I spoke with last week who decided it was up to him to inform my current roommates about my (Postpartum Psychosis) past even though it was completely irrelevant. 
I think of the Ob/Gyn for my daughter we had to fire because he wasn't comfortable with my past so he didn't want me in the room. He then broke confidentiality we found out today. 
I think of the Foster Parents my granddaughter is placed with who won't engage with her bio family and how upsetting that is all around especially for my granddaughter. 
I think of my ex and how much faith I had in him and how much he betrayed me by allowing his sister to put up a hate site with my name registered on it. 

At first I feel angry, but just for a moment. Then it quickly turns to hurt and I want to forgive all these people. Every night that I think of these things (sometimes more sometimes less); in the end whoever it was, and whatever it is that's hurting me or that I am angry at; I want to forgive. I want to let these things go. I don't want to lie awake at night and let these people or things invade my head and thoughts. 

I practice pushing them out of my mind. I practice forgiving each person. I even envision telling the person I forgive them. Sometimes just doing that brings tears to my eyes. In my mind that means it's working. 
I'm not an angry person. Even when I am really angry and quite livid I don't even tend to raise my voice. I have a hard time staying angry. I want to forgive.

I mean, don't we all just want to be forgiven?

Thursday, May 1, 2014

RE- POST - Postpartum Depression vs Postpartum Psychosis; 1, 2, 3, 4, - I declare... War?

Are We Battling for Our Place; Our Voice?


In my longstanding pursuit of wanting to not only have a voice myself, but to enable others to have a voice in similar circumstances as well, it seems we have (and by "we" I mean 'me') inadvertently stepped on some toes. It's often difficult to be heard unless you shout in this busy world of everyone talking over everyone else. 

So generally I still start out by saying in an ever so low voice, "excuse me, would you be so kind". Then I work up to "pardon me, I have something to say and I would appreciate some of your time". (Now this may happen a couple times) To eventually "Excuse Me! I Have Something I Am Going To Say And I Will Be Heard"! *Sigh*



natachia barlow ramsey, postpartum psychosis stories, postpartum depression, not guilty by reason of insanity, hunter ramsey, insanity defense
Stormy Outside My Home Today. Our First

Nor'Easter Of the Year.
Honestly, it never feels good to get to the point of the proverbial finger shaking (even in my own mind as I type). But what's a gal to go? I mean these are important issues. 
Bridging the gap from the tragedies, to the happy endings of where we find ourselves at the mercy of Postpartum Mood Disorders. They strip us of our ability to function at the most basic level. They can take away our sense of reasoning and our ability to rationalize. It attacks our brain; what we rely on to tell us something isn't right. If our brain is telling us  the water isn't hot and we get in it and our brain doesn't register it as pain, we get burned. 

So as I have stated previously, I have been wanting to narrow the gap between what I feel is all the women running blogs and speaking on websites about how they "survived" Postpartum Depression or Postpartum Psychosis or any Postpartum Affliction. I think it is more than wonderful that all those women are reaching out and talking. I want to hear from all the "other" women as well. Not only the women who committed infanticide or attempted suicide. But their families of suicide survivors. Also as one women on another site recently commented -


Saturday, April 19, 2014

I call Bullshit

Discrimination and Disgust


This is just a small add-on to my post from yesterday about the "Contest" that Postpartum Support International ran for an International Maternal Mental Health Symbol. Here's the breakdown of the final ten and I will paste my reply to a condescending response on a facebook post-
Maternal Mental Health Contest, Postpartum Psychosis, Natachia Barlow Ramsey
My Maternal Mental Health Contest Submission

Just because you pretend something doesn't exist does not mean it isn't real.

Sharon Gerdes with PR and Marketing Chair at PSI on the Board of Directors - Purple Heart, mother/baby Circle

Teresa Twomey Wrote the Book Understanding Postpartum Psychosis And is the Connecticut State Co-Coordinator for PSI - Cowrie Shells

Joy Burkhard who is on the Executive Committee and the Project Director for California Maternal Mental Health Collaborative - Pink Sparrow

Peggy O'Neil Nosti is the founder of The Blue Dot project and works in collaboration with the Postpartum Health Alliance - Blue Dot

Adrienne Griffen is the Founder and Executive Director of Postpartum Support Virginia and State Co-Coordinator for PSI Virginia - Purple Flower

Suzanne Nelson runs support groups for PSI out of New York - Shades of Light Pregnancy and Postpartum Peer Support Group - (Two entries actually) Purple green swoosh and Abstract Butterfly

----
Out of ten that's 7 that either work directly for PSI or greatly influence them. 70% is not realistic if this were a genuinely fair and indiscriminate contest. I call bullshlt
1 min · Like



There's my post from yesterday explaining why I was upset and today I looked into who made the ten finalists. Thinking I would find something to be not so upset about. Yesterday I was only aware of three of them that were affiliated with Postpartum Support International or linked somehow. Now at least seven. There's 3 I have no idea about. Maybe, or maybe not. I think at least one of them is not. I just don't know

Talk about being sleazy, underhanded, hypocritical, there's not enough adjectives. There's just not enough and I call Bullshit

Friday, April 18, 2014

Maternal Mental Health Contest Controversy

But I sprinkle babies on my oatmeal - Say What? 


So it seems that when Postpartum Support International said they were hosting an international contest open to All; what they really meant was it was open to everyone who was already in good standing. You know, had some clout, had a good name, had a little oomph behind them or at the very least was not me. Because, as you all are very aware; I am a hideous ogre that eats little children for breakfast. 


Regardless, when I first heard of this... oh boy was I so very excited! I thought "Oh my, what a wonderful opportunity". I actually believed for several weeks (and it took me a week to create this piece which I will share with you) that I would at the very least make it to the top ten. I even thought I may win and might have my name next to something remarkable and good revolving around Postpartum Psychosis for a change. Oh how I desperately wanted to win. To have my name finally googled and it associated with something Other than all the horrid things people have often said about me would have been glorious. 
I kept thinking about how I would get to attend the conference at UNC in Chapel Hill and be surrounded by
Maternal Mental Health Contest, Postpartum Psychosis, Natachia Barlow Ramsey
Maternal Mental Health Contest Submission
my own kind. 

You see, I've grown accustomed to the other kinds of people tossing me half sideways glances and backhanded compliments. You get used to the false friends, or the people who just want to talk to you because they are nosey. The pretenders. But it's always so much more hurtful when you think you are in a group of your own and they turn out to be just the same as you've always known and you realize once again you are really alone. 

I'm too controversial to have my name associated with being the design that people might vote for the most... So I can't be in the top ten. What if I won? Then Postpartum Support International would Have to announce Me as the winner. *Something I thought would be so wonderful and could show support to so many
women* They would be horrified to have to announce me. I mean, I took the life of my son when I was sick with Postpartum Psychosis.

This is  the Written part of my submission, I should have included it earlier but did not. Some people have been asking if I had included anything explaining why I chose this design since that may have been the reason... Well, I certainly did! Although there appears to be one image on the top ten that says nothing other than his wife sent him a link and thought he would find it interesting. Regardless here is my written submission:
I am a Postpartum Psychosis Survivor. I blog, advocate, speak loudly and softly. I would be honored to have my design be chosen. I have been speaking with and for women since I became ill in 1999. Maternal Mental Health means a great deal to me and at the moment I am the only women who currently runs a blog and is speaking publicly about losing a child to PPP. 

I give you a bit of my background because I want you to know that this is something I take seriously and I hold it so close to my heart I am not sure I could find the words to express it properly.

2. How do hope your design will impact awareness around maternal mental health issues? 
Even before I found out about this contest I was tweeting #PostpartumUnity
I think if women and families know just by seeing the symbol there is someone with some knowledge and understanding without having to say a word, so many more people would be willing to start talking. You don't always know who is going to understand what you are going through. 
I am including some brief context as to why I chose and created the Symbol that I did. 
I thought long and hard and have spent a great deal of time on this. 

Birds as Symbols of Motherhood in History and Cultural Lore -
Dove:
Associated with peace, love and tranquility, the dove is a companion of Venus (Roman goddess of love). The dove is also a common symbol of the Virgin Mother Mary and is portrayed in Christian art as a representation of selfless love and the sacrifice every mother makes for the well-being of their offspring.
Dove symbolism has seemingly inexhaustible sources of flavor and dynamism throughout most histories, cultures and myth.

Did you know doves produce their own milk? Yep, it's called "crop milk" or "pigeons milk." It's an oddity in nature for birds to produce their own milk to feed their young. From this unique ability, we can glean symbolism of nurturing. In fact, doves are commonly considered a symbol of motherhood.

Borromeam Rings/Trinity Rings/Seed of Life Rings etc...:
It represents many things, in many contexts including Strength in Unity. That is a solid concept in whatever context the rings are seen in. Strength in Unity are also represented by circles. 

I give you a bit of my background because I want you to know that this is something I take seriously and I hold it so close to my heart I am not sure I could find the words to express it properly.
2. How do hope your design will impact awareness around maternal mental health issues? Even before I found out about this contest I was tweeting #PostpartumUnityI think if women and families know just by seeing the symbol there is someone with some knowledge and understanding without having to say a word, so many more people would be willing to start talking. You don't always know who is going to understand what you are going through. I am including some brief context as to why I chose and created the Symbol that I did. I thought long and hard and have spent a great deal of time on this. 
Birds as Symbols of Motherhood in History and Cultural Lore -Dove:Associated with peace, love and tranquility, the dove is a companion of Venus (Roman goddess of love). The dove is also a common symbol of the Virgin Mother Mary and is portrayed in Christian art as a representation of selfless love and the sacrifice every mother makes for the well-being of their offspring.Dove symbolism has seemingly inexhaustible sources of flavor and dynamism throughout most histories, cultures and myth.
Did you know doves produce their own milk? Yep, it's called "crop milk" or "pigeons milk." It's an oddity in nature for birds to produce their own milk to feed their young. From this unique ability, we can glean symbolism of nurturing. In fact, doves are commonly considered a symbol of motherhood.
Borromeam Rings/Trinity Rings/Seed of Life Rings etc...:It represents many things, in many contexts including Strength in Unity. That is a solid concept in whatever context the rings are seen in. Strength in Unity are also represented by circles. 

No One wants to actually talk about that reality. It's better to just sweep it under the rug. BUT, when the NEXT mother drives her mini-van into the ocean or gets shot down in front of the White House... Well, let's ALL be up in Arms about it. We wouldn't want to try raising awareness NOW by say having someone like me represent those women. So push me back down and shut the door on me again, that's what most of you are really good at doing. But make sure you all raise your fists in the air when once again it's too late for another Mom and/or her kids. 

Oh and I will give you a link to the site to vote but you won't find my design there because as I said, I am too controversial. I suppose you could use the Contact button  next to Contest Hosted By: Postpartum Support International on the link and vote for me that way but it probably still won't count. But I would still appreciate it.

I am still holding out hope that some day when my name is googled there will be something besides the horrible things and something good will be said. No one talks about the good stuff you do, only the bad.
**Add-on** The next day I took a closer look at who DID make the top ten and here's the breakdown in the following day's blog post "I Call Bullshit" or you can just go to the homepage and see both posts.
Thanks Everyone