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Sunday, December 9, 2012

Nightmares: Wicked and Visceral

Visceral dreaming, vivid nightmares


I ran out of my Zoloft a couple days ago. Now this has happened before and I am very aware of the pattern. It takes a while before the Zoloft starts to have an effect on my emotions. While that's still true, I've been having vivid nightmares.

Oh about what do you ask? Sex imparticular. Along with everything from Vampires (too many tv shows and movies on this lately) to exes and everything in between....


Although, there may not be much wiggle room between a few of them and being cold, lifeless, bloodsucking creatures. That being said, not all were like that.

natachia barlow ramsey, postpartum psychosis stories, surviving postpartum psychosis, not guilty by reason of insanity
I was always aware of the impact Zoloft had on my libido. The greater the increase in Zoloft, the greater the decrease in my sex drive. It didn't disappear so I've never been worried. I guess I just wasn't aware at how quickly just a two day difference would make. Now I am having crazy dreams about (yes sex) but other things are happening as well. In the dreams I am imagining it's another person and yet seeing the face of an ex. *Sigh* How disturbing.
It must be the combination of the wanting of someone else, and yet the comfort of a familiar face. But I'm not Carl Jung, I have no real idea.
What I also have noticed is how fast I started dreaming vividly and with such emotion. I was sleeping earlier and woke up crying. The dream had to do with many things but at the end finding out someone I knew died of a drug overdose.

I have always been a very vivid dreamer and used to quite frequently get to the point of lucid dreaming. A few times I got caught in this weird cycle where I thought I had woken up and I was still dreaming. I knew, because one time inparticular I could see my toes and my nail polish was red. When I finally did awaken my feet (with the bright red polish) was sticking out from under the blanket just the way I had dreamt it. [That particular dream was in an old scary apt in downtown Belfast and someone was trying to get through the door and I was trying to wake up]
I think this is why I really like the movie Inception.
It makes me question the fact that in order to keep my nightmares away, I seem to be stifling my dreaming as well (along with libido but who's keeping track. Me!). I used to be able to work out a lot in my dreams, especially about where I was in contrast, to what was happening in my everyday life. I think I have not been so concerned of that especially since a particularly difficult break-up two years ago.
We had been together for just over four years and I absolutely loved this man more than I had loved anyone. It was different than my first love; the love I'd had for my ex-husband. (I don't want to dimish that in any way. It was young and powerful. We loved each other and made horrible mistakes. We married twice. Once in the privacy of our own bedroom and the second time in front of friends and family. It was genuine and beautiful before it got ugly).
This love I had for this man was a grown-up love. The kind where I was able to tell him about my past and he accepted it. He would sing to me in an open Church that he loved me, during open mic nights. When no one else was around he would cry. We talked about things I am not sure I will ever talk about with anyone ever again. It was a chance encounter of online dating. I didn't think I would see him again. But waiting in my email was an invitation to his home. He paid someone $100 to clean his apt and bought me a huge pillow because I had mentioned how I loved pillows.
This was a meeting of minds, hearts and kindred spirits. He was beautiful. We shared many interests. But, his family hated me. Especially his mother.
She had had cancer, was approaching 70 when I met her in 2007. She looked me up online. He had a horrible relationship with her (he claimed) when we met and said the worst things about her. Because I have such deep seeded mother issues I pushed for him to become involved in his mother's life.
I still don't know if that was good for him or not. I hope ultimately it was; because it certainly wasn't for me. She would twist my words and say the cruelest things to me when no one else was around. Like the tiniest of knives just sidling up to me and smoothly sticking it in. Of course, I didn't actually know "mothers" did this. I didn't have one and my experience was not much. I also credited her being so God fearing and Church going and for the longest time attributed it to myself. I must have been reading her wrong. I must do better. I have to try harder.
She lived out of state and came during the summer months. We had just moved to Bangor and she always stayed on the island where the entire family was from. We fixed up my car and let her use it to save her money. I gave her $100 out of my own pocket when she got here. (Still don't think she ever realized that) We were living at the time in a tiny one bedroom and she wanted to stay with us. So, I had a twin size cot I set up in the living room.
By the time she came back up to Bangor during her two-week stay (back almost a week early to stay in our living room) I couldn't take it. There were constant needling comments when we were alone. I went to a hotel for two days.
So in 2009, she doesn't even tell us she's coming and I have rented a big house in Bangor with plently of room. We hear at 10pm her flight is in around midnight and can she stay at the Shop in downtown Bangor. At this time, we are doing great. We've adopted a dog. We had an entire day planned for just the two of us. We were on fire at that time and had been having discussions about our relationship and how well the business was doing.
I set up my daughter's room for her (she was in town because her cancer was back and if I remember correctly was doing some trial in Boston. Apparently she was supposed to be very ill at the time) and bought tons of groceries. About half way through the week she was there, he had to make a several hour trip to pick up musical gear and I ended alone with her that evening.
She kept at me for probably 20 minutes. She was being kind and motherly, I actually thought she finally liked me. Maybe she could see how hard I was trying. She kept asking about our relationship(his and mine) and although I thought she was being nice. This wasn't good territory for us. So, I avoided and evaded. She kept getting kinder and doing this whole, you can talk to me thing, in this motherly way (As I have stated I am very vulnerable here) and I finally started telling her how great things had been going.
In an Instant, she turned into a different person and stood in my living room, where I had invited her; gotten through the wall I put up with her and said "He doesn't love you. He's not In Love with you. I know he cares about you and has love for you but isn't in love with you". I was heartbroken. In part because I had let my guard down and she really stuck me where it hurt. She pretended to act motherly towards me just to say something so awful in my own home, where she had been invited. I had to excuse myself and go upstairs where I just cried. When he returned home I tried to explain to him what happened but he thought I must have misunderstood. I can still to this day see it in my head. I can see her hand on my arm.
Two days later, they were up and she was cooking breakfast and I wanted nothing to do with going downstairs and being around her. I felt incredibly awkward and uncomfortable in my own home. I just stayed upstairs in the bedroom. He came up and asked me to come down and I said no.
Then she came up. She kneeled beside the bed and proceeded to tell me that if things were so bad between the two of us (him and I) that maybe I should just break up with him.
That was it! I was done. When she went downstairs and he came up I was a mess. I couldn't believe I was in my own home, had invited her in and she would say such nasty things to me. He sided with her and I asked them both to leave.
They both stayed at a motel for the next couple days until her flight home.  A few weeks later when we reconciled I found this notebook in his laptop bag where she had written a page worth's of instructions for him about me. Stating things like: Do not respond to her emails. Do not answer the phone. It went on about how the business was His business etc...
Even after all that, it's one of his family members that has created this hateful site that I mentioned in a post. It's this supposed chronology of newspaper articles. The catch is, you can't read any of them unless you pay to. The few free things are on there, but I have them here as well. The "motion" she has posted, she selectively took a few paragraphs out of the ruling and placed them on her page. It's not even the actual hearing. So she has taken portions from an already portioned hearing and put them there. I know she thinks she is being smarter than everyone else with her supposed sleuth skills. Interestingly besides my daughter, the only other person to really comment is my ex-husbands current wife. Some days I swear she behaves like a woman with a school girl crush given the amount of attention she pays to me and the incessant amount she talks about me. It's unreal. I don't even think about her until I get 19 pages of emails of how my ex-husband is cheating on her and staying with her for her parents money. I do not want any involvement in that utterly ridiculous chaos.
So, yeah, the last couple years have been difficult. I used to be so angry, then hurt, sad. Angry again and mostly hurt, especially when he wouldn't do anything about his sister's "tribute" to my son. Now I just don't care. I can't do anything to change how any of them are. I can only do things to help and change myself.
I always find it interesting that those who scream the loudest at times about being so "Christian" (which oddly all the above claim and are supposed to be. Are a part of or were raised very religious) are usually the most vindictive. I'm sitting here thinking; what happened to forgiveness and not throwing stones etc...
I don't tell anyone how Christian I am or God fearing. I don't try to shove religion down anyone's throat. My relationship with God or if I have a relationship with God is my business and that's between him and I. I don't feel the need to advertise how "good" of a God fearing, Christian person I am. I guess ultimately because I don't have to. It's personal.
So... what got me started on exes? Oh dreaming about Vampires and them being lifeless, cold and bloodsucking. Incubus/Succubus/Vampire.... They all suck the life out of you and unfortunately do not give it back.


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