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Thursday, December 20, 2018

Con Artist and Manipulator

The Narcissist

That's what the therapist called my soon to be ex-husband Karl. Narcissistic Personality Disorder bordering on Sociopath. I would watch him try to mimic others emotions and reenact them. I didn't understand at the time. Now I do. 

Since he was removed from the United States on March 9th, 2018 for all of his criminal activity and just poor behavior in general, I have been inundated with all sorts of crazy things. 
karl gaffney white, con artist and VAWA Fraud, master manipulator

He keeps accessing my emails and getting into my phone. He has broken into all my accounts, changed passwords, shut multiple accounts down. Has told anyone who will listen that I am bullying him. 

It's almost laughable if it wasn't so scary. I've moved and will not give his attorney my new address. I keep taking screen captures every time I get another alert on my computer of incoming activity.

I wake up in the morning to new things being deleted.

Today I got up and he had broken into my Survivingppp.com account and deleted all the articles I had written about him. I Don't Know You and Take Me to Church.
I always back up my blog so I have them stored. But, still... Karl is trying to apply for a VAWA application still. 

He has told everyone that the reason his Domestic Violence charge was dismissed was because it was "bullshit". 
The real reason is because they cannot prosecute someone who has been removed from the country. Once you've been deported, which he was, they will dismiss all charges. He has also had it expunged so if you try to look it up on the public index, you will not find it. 
Karl Gaffney White, Con artist, VAWA Fraud, liar, manipulator, Green Card Scammer, Dangerous Criminal

But, the Congressman assured me as well as Immigration that it's on his record as well as all of his current activity. 
That try as he might to continue to convince people, his current activities are not going unnoticed. 

I have been continuing to forward everything and lies have a way of unraveling. 

So, I just keep taking screen shots and every time my phone shuts down or I am alerted of a new account being reported I just forward it along. 

I cannot say I am shocked given the length he went to Stalking his ex. I would say that would be a difficult one to get expunged but I am sure he's working on it. 
He kicked everything into high gear once our one year anniversary of being separated and we are approaching our two year mark of being married (he apparently believes that will help him with Immigration even though we have been separated for over a year now). 
I just want him to leave me alone and in peace. 

~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~

Sunday, September 23, 2018


Broken Alliances

Frederick Barlow and Joey Waterman, Natachia Barlow
My Dad (Fred) and Joey

What do you do when the trust you put into people has been broken? What do you do when you have been deceived by people you have given your most valuable treasures to? The people that you entrusted with your heart and happiness? The people who swore to you in front of others, God and the law that they were to be trusted? What do you do when you find out it was a lie and you were being played for a fool?

It's an awful feeling to realize that not only were you deceived, but your family is also hurting because of the selfish acts of another. Someone who claimed to be loving and selfless and wanting to put others before themselves has turned out to be just the opposite. 
For years I defended this person and their motives whenever I heard anything negative and now I feel as though I may have been the one who was wrong the entire time. 
Frederick Barlow and Joseph Preston Waterman, Natachia Barlow
My Dad and Joey
Apparently I have a bad habit of wanting to believe the best in people, so I tend to look past and give second and third, fourth chances. 

My father is hurting so badly right now because of this person and he doesn't deserve to be hurt this way. He has done nothing but show love and gratitude for this family and his great-grandson is being taken from him. Within days of the adoption being finalized, the adopting family went back on every promise they made in order to be able to adopt that little boy. We made an agreement before he was ever placed there and it was that my father was to continue to have ongoing contact and in less than a week of the adoption being finalized, he got a text saying he could not have any more visits with him.

He had an attorney write a letter asking for visits to resume and they have now cut off all contact with any bio family members including myself.
Judy Lewis and Joseph Preston Waterman, Natachia Barlow
Aunt Judy and Joey

Apparently, I pissed them off by sticking up for my father and daring to question why they would cut off visits. 

I was there at my grand-daughters birth. I cut her umbilical cord and they just came down to visit me in South Carolina. But, as much as they have preached about bio family involvement and how important family is, it was all a lie.
Natachia barlow ramsey and Lanah Marie Ramsey
Lanah and Mémé

I was wrong and everything I had been told all these years and the warnings I had gotten were true. I just didn't want to believe them. I thought I knew this family better than that. I thought they really did care about the kids and their welfare more than pettiness and that the relationship we had built over six years and the love I had for all those kids and they had for me meant something. 

Natachia Barlow Ramsey and Joseph Preston Waterman
Joey and Mémé
 It's adoption fraud when you make promises to a bio family in order to adopt a child for financial or personal gain. It's a crime and it hurts on every level. I have emailed several times now with zero response asking for a compromise. Begging for a middle ground and asking why on earth would I suddenly be shut out after six years of continued involvement. My poor father. He lost a grandson 20 years ago when my son died and this selfish family just broke his heart again by stealing the little boy from him that he helped raise and it's ugly and cruel and it's completely uncalled for. I can only imagine what will be next. 

Joey driving with Grampy Fred
Joey pretending to drive Grampy Fred's
Old Lawn Mower

~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~

Saturday, August 4, 2018

Postpartum Depression

Postpartum Depression within the African American Community

LaShonta Edwards, mom of three, describes her experience with postpartum depression.

*Uploaded to youtube to enable Closed Captioning and the ability to access in multiple languages*

~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~

Friday, August 3, 2018

Postpartum Psychosis - Dad's View

Fathers Talk About Postpartum Psychosis

Three fathers share their perspective and describe their experience of how they were affected by Postpartum Psychosis. 

postpartum psychosis fathers perspective, depression, planet grande pictures, vimeo, ppmd, PSI

*Uploaded to youtube to enable Closed Captioning and the ability to access in multiple languages*

~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Postpartum Psychosis

The Real Tragedy - Watch Now

This is beautiful and I love how Carol calls Postpartum Psychosis a murderer because she knows first hand what it truly robs you of and how heartbreaking it really is

postpartum psychosis, carol blocker, maternal mental health, natachia barlow ramsey, depression, suicide

"Carol Blocker describes her experience watching her daughter struggle with postpartum psychosis."

*By request, I created a link so we could have it with closed captioning and also the ability to have it translated into other languages*

~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~

Saturday, July 14, 2018

The Dark Silence of the Night

When the Loneliness gets to you

I am very much having all these thoughts and feelings right now. I really wish I had paid better attention to and heeded my own warning about allowing people into my life. 
Natachia Barlow Ramsey, Karl Gaffney White, Postpartum Psychosis, maternal mental health, ppmd, ppd, suicide, mental illness, depression
I already kept people at arms length and hadn't allowed anyone in my life intimately in five years. I thought my husband was sincere when we met. To find out I was nothing more than anyone else he was trying to get to marry him to keep him in the country feels like a level of betrayal I don't know how to describe. 

I know we do and say things in the heat of the moment, "Dino Brain" as the Imago Therapist called it. I get that and I can understand that. But to plan and scheme ahead of time. To be so malicious and try to use this against me and tell others about Hunter

To keep coming for me. 

-Originally Blogged on January 23, 2016 

I'm used to being alone. Even when I have others physically near me, I am usually alone. I can't remember the last time I was able to let someone into all facets of my life and with each passing day, month and year I become less and less hopeful that will ever happen. I've become really good at keeping people at arm's length. It's one disappointment after another and that's when I am reminded of how lonely I really am.

Life is hard. Some days are harder than others and I keep trying to leave people better than I found them. It's not always possible, but I am trying. 
I sit here crying, alone and this is where I turn. Because I am expecting a virtual hug at best when I am finished. 
~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~ postpartum psychosis,natachia barlow ramsey
I tell myself it's okay if someone else hurts my feelings, I will always reach out or attempt to make the extra effort. I don't ever want to regret how I left a relationship. I would rather make sure I did what I could. 

As I keep trying to date, I know I push people away. I am afraid they will leave, they will hurt me and I just don't have it. I couldn't take that kind of emotional blow in my life. 
I have gotten better at not allowing myself to be taken advantage of though and set better standards for how I allow people to treat me. There comes a place in the middle where with some men I can't tell if I am pushing them away too quickly or I am practicing better standards for how I am treated. At times I know it lies somewhere on the middle. I have little hope to find someone to walk this journey with me.  

I am puffy faced with a pile of tissues beside me. I cannot breathe out of my nose. My cheeks and eyes are swollen and it almost looks like I've been slapped around. An emotional beat down. 

Amazing Grace just came on my playlist. The tears started again. I know self forgiveness is the toughest of all. Because even as I type this words pop into my head all the time like penance, paying my dues, lifelong sentence, this is what I deserve.
Now I can tell anyone else besides myself that is not true and have compassion for them. But I don't feel that for myself. I have given myself a life sentence of guilt and grief that comes in waves. On nights like this, it feels overwhelming, as though the weight of a thousand grieving mothers sits upon my heart. 

You are good, you do deserve love, you do deserve people in your life who love and care for the whole you. All of you; your past, present and future. I am going to say this to myself and I encourage any of you who need to say this to yourself to say it as well. Because it is true and I promise it will feel like it eventually, even if it doesn't in this precise moment. In this dark silence of the night.

~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Depression is a Black Hole

The Ballad of Lucy Jordan ~

The evening sun touched gently on
The eyes of Lucy Jordan
On the rooftop where she climbed
When all the laughter grew too loud

~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~

*Always Try to be Something and be Kind*

Thursday, April 19, 2018

Take Me To Church

There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin

Gentle sin is without malice or intent. You cannot want to do harm to someone before entering a room, that is intent. You cannot break down our apartment door with an audio recorder in your pocket, already recording and while breaking things throughout our apartment tell me I am "destroying our apartment" all so you can let people listen to that recording later.

That is premeditated and malicious.

You cannot assault me and then claim you don't know what I am talking about and that you were never here.
You cannot bring an audio recorder into our private marriage counseling sessions, so not even the counselor is aware that you are recording the three of us. All of this was done with intent and malice and has insidious qualities. You kept telling everyone that all the things you were doing to me, I was doing to you. You kept taking my car keys, my debit cards, my phones and hiding them. I just found a pile of cards a week ago when I went to move a pile of your stuff I had never been able to lift because it was too heavy and last week I was finally able to have it moved. A stack of cards I'd had tucked in the front pocket of my purse, that I left sitting on the kitchen table went missing one-day last summer... I asked you if you took them and you told me I must have lost them. 
So, so many things you took and hid of mine on purpose. 
It makes me feel horrible, scared and so bad about myself. That this person that I believed loved me, never loved me at all.

That a person who claimed they loved me, a man who should have been protecting me, was trying to hurt me in one of the worst ways possible. 
You knew about my son.You knew that I lost my mind 20 years ago and it almost killed me. You knew that it tore me up every day and I shared with you how much this website meant to me.
How far I've come.
How much talking to all these women meant to me. How I honor my son with this website. 
How lost I was for so long.
You took the very things that caused me more pain than anything else in the world, the one thing that scarred and scared me more than anything and you tried to make not just me believe, but the people around me believe that I was losing my mind.

You were telling me daily that I was losing my keys, my phones, my debit card, my storage card. You were locking me out of our apartment and wouldn't let me in.
You were making me stand in our hallway and call you over and over, texting for all hours and pounding on the door... the entire time claiming you couldn't hear me. Our dog was barking the entire time. I stood out there for over 20 minutes trying to get in through our door and couldn't. 

When you left, you wouldn't tell me or our therapist where you were staying but the truth was, you were staying at the hotel next door. All these games. 

You told so many people I was having a psychotic break. You tried to tell them I was having a "ppp" episode.
I am just so thankful you were never as smart as you thought you were.

You were someone I thought I could trust. I would never have hurt you like that. I tried to help you.

I have nightmares every night. I have nightmares every night about being attacked, about being assaulted. I wake up in the middle of the night panicked thinking I am being assaulted. I feel like I am being held down on the bed. Like someone is on top of me and I can't move. 
There are times I am so scared I wake up frozen and it feels like there is the weight of a body on top of me.

I just want it to stop. You have done these things to me. Even right now, all you want to do is continuing taking things from me. 
You are sending your attorney after me right now to try and take the dog and cat. No matter how nice and no matter how much I try and compromise on anything it's never enough.
I can't afford an attorney.
I am trying to be practical, genuine and compromise. It feels, as usual, it's all about what Karl wants all the time, any time, no matter what.


Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene
Only then I am human
Only then I am clean
Ooh oh. Amen. Amen. Amen.


~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~