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Sunday, September 23, 2018


Broken Alliances

Frederick Barlow and Joey Waterman, Natachia Barlow
My Dad (Fred) and Joey

What do you do when the trust you put into people has been broken? What do you do when you have been deceived by people you have given your most valuable treasures to? The people that you entrusted with your heart and happiness? The people who swore to you in front of others, God and the law that they were to be trusted? What do you do when you find out it was a lie and you were being played for a fool?

It's an awful feeling to realize that not only were you deceived, but your family is also hurting because of the selfish acts of another. Someone who claimed to be loving and selfless and wanting to put others before themselves has turned out to be just the opposite. 
For years I defended this person and their motives whenever I heard anything negative and now I feel as though I may have been the one who was wrong the entire time. 
Frederick Barlow and Joseph Preston Waterman, Natachia Barlow
My Dad and Joey
Apparently I have a bad habit of wanting to believe the best in people, so I tend to look past and give second and third, fourth chances. 

My father is hurting so badly right now because of this person and he doesn't deserve to be hurt this way. He has done nothing but show love and gratitude for this family and his great-grandson is being taken from him. Within days of the adoption being finalized, the adopting family went back on every promise they made in order to be able to adopt that little boy. We made an agreement before he was ever placed there and it was that my father was to continue to have ongoing contact and in less than a week of the adoption being finalized, he got a text saying he could not have any more visits with him.

He had an attorney write a letter asking for visits to resume and they have now cut off all contact with any bio family members including myself.
Judy Lewis and Joseph Preston Waterman, Natachia Barlow
Aunt Judy and Joey

Apparently, I pissed them off by sticking up for my father and daring to question why they would cut off visits. 

I was there at my grand-daughters birth. I cut her umbilical cord and they just came down to visit me in South Carolina. But, as much as they have preached about bio family involvement and how important family is, it was all a lie.
Natachia barlow ramsey and Lanah Marie Ramsey
Lanah and Mémé

I was wrong and everything I had been told all these years and the warnings I had gotten were true. I just didn't want to believe them. I thought I knew this family better than that. I thought they really did care about the kids and their welfare more than pettiness and that the relationship we had built over six years and the love I had for all those kids and they had for me meant something. 

Natachia Barlow Ramsey and Joseph Preston Waterman
Joey and Mémé
 It's adoption fraud when you make promises to a bio family in order to adopt a child for financial or personal gain. It's a crime and it hurts on every level. I have emailed several times now with zero response asking for a compromise. Begging for a middle ground and asking why on earth would I suddenly be shut out after six years of continued involvement. My poor father. He lost a grandson 20 years ago when my son died and this selfish family just broke his heart again by stealing the little boy from him that he helped raise and it's ugly and cruel and it's completely uncalled for. I can only imagine what will be next. 

Joey driving with Grampy Fred
Joey pretending to drive Grampy Fred's
Old Lawn Mower

~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~

Saturday, August 4, 2018

Postpartum Depression

Postpartum Depression within the African American Community

LaShonta Edwards, mom of three, describes her experience with postpartum depression.

*Uploaded to youtube to enable Closed Captioning and the ability to access in multiple languages*

~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~

Friday, August 3, 2018

Postpartum Psychosis - Dad's View

Fathers Talk About Postpartum Psychosis

Three fathers share their perspective and describe their experience of how they were affected by Postpartum Psychosis. 

postpartum psychosis fathers perspective, depression, planet grande pictures, vimeo, ppmd, PSI

*Uploaded to youtube to enable Closed Captioning and the ability to access in multiple languages*

~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Postpartum Psychosis

The Real Tragedy - Watch Now

This is beautiful and I love how Carol calls Postpartum Psychosis a murderer because she knows first hand what it truly robs you of and how heartbreaking it really is

postpartum psychosis, carol blocker, maternal mental health, natachia barlow ramsey, depression, suicide

"Carol Blocker describes her experience watching her daughter struggle with postpartum psychosis."

*By request, I created a link so we could have it with closed captioning and also the ability to have it translated into other languages*

~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~

Saturday, July 14, 2018

The Dark Silence of the Night

When the Loneliness gets to you

I am very much having all these thoughts and feelings right now. I really wish I had paid better attention to and heeded my own warning about allowing people into my life. 
Natachia Barlow Ramsey, Karl Gaffney White, Postpartum Psychosis, maternal mental health, ppmd, ppd, suicide, mental illness, depression
I already kept people at arms length and hadn't allowed anyone in my life intimately in five years. I thought my husband was sincere when we met. To find out I was nothing more than anyone else he was trying to get to marry him to keep him in the country feels like a level of betrayal I don't know how to describe. 

I know we do and say things in the heat of the moment, "Dino Brain" as the Imago Therapist called it. I get that and I can understand that. But to plan and scheme ahead of time. To be so malicious and try to use this against me and tell others about Hunter

To keep coming for me. 

-Originally Blogged on January 23, 2016 

I'm used to being alone. Even when I have others physically near me, I am usually alone. I can't remember the last time I was able to let someone into all facets of my life and with each passing day, month and year I become less and less hopeful that will ever happen. I've become really good at keeping people at arm's length. It's one disappointment after another and that's when I am reminded of how lonely I really am.

Life is hard. Some days are harder than others and I keep trying to leave people better than I found them. It's not always possible, but I am trying. 
I sit here crying, alone and this is where I turn. Because I am expecting a virtual hug at best when I am finished. 
~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~ postpartum psychosis,natachia barlow ramsey
I tell myself it's okay if someone else hurts my feelings, I will always reach out or attempt to make the extra effort. I don't ever want to regret how I left a relationship. I would rather make sure I did what I could. 

As I keep trying to date, I know I push people away. I am afraid they will leave, they will hurt me and I just don't have it. I couldn't take that kind of emotional blow in my life. 
I have gotten better at not allowing myself to be taken advantage of though and set better standards for how I allow people to treat me. There comes a place in the middle where with some men I can't tell if I am pushing them away too quickly or I am practicing better standards for how I am treated. At times I know it lies somewhere on the middle. I have little hope to find someone to walk this journey with me.  

I am puffy faced with a pile of tissues beside me. I cannot breathe out of my nose. My cheeks and eyes are swollen and it almost looks like I've been slapped around. An emotional beat down. 

Amazing Grace just came on my playlist. The tears started again. I know self forgiveness is the toughest of all. Because even as I type this words pop into my head all the time like penance, paying my dues, lifelong sentence, this is what I deserve.
Now I can tell anyone else besides myself that is not true and have compassion for them. But I don't feel that for myself. I have given myself a life sentence of guilt and grief that comes in waves. On nights like this, it feels overwhelming, as though the weight of a thousand grieving mothers sits upon my heart. 

You are good, you do deserve love, you do deserve people in your life who love and care for the whole you. All of you; your past, present and future. I am going to say this to myself and I encourage any of you who need to say this to yourself to say it as well. Because it is true and I promise it will feel like it eventually, even if it doesn't in this precise moment. In this dark silence of the night.

~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Depression is a Black Hole

The Ballad of Lucy Jordan ~

The evening sun touched gently on
The eyes of Lucy Jordan
On the rooftop where she climbed
When all the laughter grew too loud

~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~

*Always Try to be Something and be Kind*

Friday, April 6, 2018

Razor's Edge; I will get back up

There will always be times in your life when someone wants to keep you down when you are down instead of offering a hand when you could use one. It's unfortunate that people don't practice paying it forward more often. It's easy to get caught up in the pettiness going on around you when you are surrounded with it everyday. 

Postpartum Psychosis, natachia barlow, maternal mental health, ppd, ppmd, postpartum unity, Myrtle beach,  Postpartum Psychosis Survivor and Loser
I practice telling myself sometimes dozens of times a day that the job I have selling vacation packages is the minutiae of life when moms and their families struggle with their lives and existence every day. I love my "job" for the simplicity of it and the mere fact that it takes almost zero brain power to do it. People are happy talking about vacations and I get to spend a few hours every day just talking about sending people on vacation.

Then I get to leave all that behind and focus on things that will change someone's life. I remind myself that this is what's important. This feeds my heart and soul. I save all my emails and messages I get from moms and families out there. I cannot tell you how much they mean to me, especially when I am struggling myself...

Below Originally Blogged - Monday, November, 26th, 2012 - 9:56pm

Are we measured by the worth of the words we speak? Or the words whose ears we reach.

I can remember in a strange foggy, yet with surreal clarity, the moment I gripped the razor in my hand and pushed it down into my wrist. I still have the scars. I remember watching the blood flow behind the razor and it didn't really feel like anything. I recall thinking I could see inside of my flesh. The veins and at some point realizing I wasn't bleeding very much and I would have to cut deeper. So I did, this time I could see what I thought were tendons.

natachia barlow ramsey, postpartum psychosis stories, postpartum depression, hunter ramsey, not guilty by reson of insanity
AMHI After Closing 2005 - Front Admissions
I wasn't afraid. I just remember it didn't look like me. It was a part of me I had never seen. Apparently I wasn't aware of how to cut my wrists the most efficient way. I would learn that After I was admitted to AMHI. They had plenty of tricks to teach you once you got there.

I have a terrible head cold right now. I am listening to Johnny Cash "Hurt". One of my favorite artists and songs. The lyric in this song that says "everyone always goes away in the end". I've said that for a long time, even before I heard this song. It doesn't seem like people keep their word anymore. Once upon a time that used to mean something. I don't promise anything to anyone because I don't want to be able to not keep my word. *Sigh*

On the day my son, Hunter died, I thought I kept hearing him make noises. I know now it was just my mind playing tricks on me. Some kind of sensory tricks. I kept going back in to check. Even when I think back now to the memories I have, I have them in two different ways. Seeing them from my point of view and seeing them as a bystander. -

Giving him CPR... that's about the only thing I can see is a brief snippet. Holding him, in my hands for a moment before laying on the bed. Then I'm back out. Looking from behind us. Shaking, my hands are shaking. I'm desperate again in my head; desperate. My thoughts are racing. I put my mouth on his, but it's wrong. Over his nose and mouth. Push, push, easy on his little chest. I am trying to breathe for him. Over and over. I'm not there anymore. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. It's just not working. I keep going back to it being from my point of view to being a bystander. That doesn't stop for weeks. Maybe months.

My memories have faded and sometimes that's a blessing. But I'm so afraid some day I'm not going to have any real memories of Hunter left. The memory of his first smile I can't see in my mind anymore. I certainly don't have the pictures because there never were any.

I couldn't even begin to count how many nights I have stayed awake or how many hours I have spent in therapy trying to understand and get to a place of acceptance. Forgiveness, tolerance. People on the outside, who often think they have a front row seat into your life, want to judge and throw stones for all of your abominations instead of taking a closer inspection at their own lives.
I've made a lot of mistakes. Knowing myself the way I do, I am pretty sure I will make more. My biggest hope is that I just won't repeat many of them.

It's difficult to get your feet completely under you when everytime you try to stand up, someone comes along and decides it's up to them to give you a little push back down.

~Bonus just added~ If you've never heard this Warren Zevon "My Shit's Fucked Up" do it and listen twice. Anyone who's reading this blog should love this song. I find some kind of solace and I just heard it as I was finishing up this blog so I added it.
Now there may be times when I just take a breather and lie there on that floor for a day or two. But Postpartum Psychosis be damned; I will always get back up!

Postpartum Psychosis, natachia barlow, maternal mental health, ppd, ppmd, postpartum unity, Myrtle beach,  Postpartum Psychosis Survivor and Loser

~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Go Ask Alice

Didn't we meet in the night in my sleep somewhere? (Yes)

They say that you are the king
Of this whole damn thing
Now they got me believin'
Said I don't stand a ghost 
Of a chance with my host
God, I wish I'd believed them
So let's drink a few
Here's lookin' at you, I swear
Didn't we meet in the night in my sleep somewhere?
Didn't we meet 
In the night in my sleep?
Didn't we meet
In the night in my sleep

~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~