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Monday, July 30, 2012

Google Can Suck it for This One...

More than Words

Natachia Barlow Ramsey Surviving Postpartum Psychosis

I have one photo of myself, my son Hunter and my daughter Shey. The three of us all sitting together. I am looking for it and have been now for several days.

postpartum psychosis, natachia barlow ramsey, hunter ramsey, baby, depression, suicide, mental illness

I'll share it here now. This is the only photo I have of the three of us together. Somewhere I have a few more. But only of just Hunter or Shey and Hunter together. When he had his first bath, Shey wanted to get in the tub with him and I of course said yes. So, she's laying beside him like a stiff little statue smiling all the while he's scowling and has his little fists clenched.
Funny, I don't even know where that picture is and it's one of the very few I have but I can see it almost perfectly in my mind. It makes me smile to think about.

Way back when, I didn't have the ease of the digital camera or much less the cell phone with the camera at my fingertips. So the very few photo's I have of my son are sacred and I cherish them. Although after I became ill with postpartum psychosis any of the pictures or personal belongings were left to others to care for.
Well I had written a blog several paragraphs long about my son and the angst I feel at not being able to locate the few photo's I have of him right now. It was heartfelt, genuine and came pouring out of me. But, as usual google is making it impossible with their inablity to save and update feature. You'd think as a leader in the industry they'd make sure a simple feature like 'save' wouldn't be quite so difficult to figure out. They sat on me with crushing weight.

Google You Suck Balls Big time!


Sunday, July 15, 2012

Dirty Little Secrets

Forced Sterilization or Self Imposed?

Compulsory Sterilization in a Civilized World

Postpartum Depression Postpartum Psychosis Tachia Natachia Barlow Ramsey Suicide
I was 19 and my daughter (Shey)
was about 6 months old
I am not sure of the exact moment in time when I realized I would have to get sterilized in order for the powers that be to start supporting my release. I just remember being in the court room listening to basically the same testimony as I heard before with the "only real risk factors" being if I were to get pregnant again. It was the same verbage used at a previous hearing and I realized as long as I could have children I was going to be stuck there and the sooner I wanted to get out the quicker I had better make it so I couldn't have any more kids.
So, I asked the hospital to schedule an appointment for a tubal ligation and within a couple months it was done. The very next time I went to court, it was brought up that I had 'voluntarily' undergone a tubal and therefore I could not have any more children. You see, they could not come right out and say compulsory sterilization because the law had changed. They couldn't even suggest I be "fixed" like an animal. It just had to be hinted at enough and hoped I got it. If I didn't? I would stay there until my ovaries were like prunes. Or like another woman I knew; had to end up having a hysterectomy. Curiously enough, she was released within approximately a year or so after that, when she had been there for over a decade.

I'm not saying I would have had more children. I just wanted to be able to come to that decision in my own time. I wasn't looking to have any more kids after what had happened. I wasn't even having sex. But to feel like the government is still requiring forced sterilization in order to be released in an era when we are beginning to know so much more about mental health and Postpartum (Psychosis) and other Mood Disorders seems primitive.

I remember being very clear that I was aware from the testimony given what I would have to do. The Doctors and Administration wanted me to be clear

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Walking the Line

I Walk the Line

I have walked the line between living for one child or dying for another. There's never a good, right or perfect answer. I just have to live with knowing that I have walked the line and probably always will.

Natachia Barlow Ramsey Postpartum Depression Postpartum Psychosis Suicide
My daughter and I on her 9th birthday in 2002
When I was sick with PostPartum Psychosis in 1999, and I wanted to commit suicide, my son's (Hunter's) father didn't believe that Hunter was his; I thought in those terribly dysfunctional moments that the only one who wanted Hunter was me. That in order for him to be 'safe' I had to take him with me.
I know, I know; it doesn't make any sense now. How could I possibly be keeping him "Safe" by wanting to take his life and mine? I cannot rationalize my thinking that day. I can only say in those moments, in those minutes, on that day it made sense to me.

Asking someone who is losing their mind to explain why they were thinking a particular way and expecting it to make sense is like... well, asking a schizophrenic person who doesn't know they're schizophrenic if the voices they hear are real. They can't distinguish the difference.

I have yearned to find someone who had gone through a similar experience. Not because I wanted them to feel this kind of anguish, but because it feels so very lonely when there's no one with whom you can relate to. This isn't to say I haven't been in a variety of different therapeutic groups over the years. Some of them with forensic patients (i.e. Legal Holds), some just regular mental health consumers. 

The first couple of months after I was 'Blue Papered'