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Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Suicide is Like a Disease

What Doesn't Kill You?

Suicide seems to run rampant in my family. Spreading itself around like a transmittable disease. I keep hoping to "Cure" my family of it, but it appears to have dug its roots deep.






I remember when my grandfather came into the room where I was sleeping to tell me my mother had died. I had gone to bed early. It was around 9pm and I remember him say "Tachia, Tachia" by the second time he'd said my name I was just beginning to wake up and said "what?" he replied "you're mother is dead". I said "okay" and rolled back over to sleep.

postpartum psychosis, natachia barlow ramsey, hunter ramsey, baby, depression, suicide, mental illness
My sister and I in 1981
I was 14 years old. I remember still trying to sleep and thinking I couldn't have heard him correctly. As I layed there I heard him on the telephone (one of the old rotary dial phones) making calls and talking to people. As I was still half asleep, I could heard him crying. I thought he was laughing. I remember thinking; why is he telling everyone my mother is dead? Why would he joke about that? Then I heard him blow his nose. I realized in that moment he was crying, not laughing. I sat straight up in bed and felt sick. I continued to sit there listening for a few more minutes and thought how could she be dead? Nothing made any sense.
I got up and went into the kitchen where my grandfather was. I asked him if it was true, was she really dead. He said yes. He then told me she had overdosed on pills and a police officer had come over to tell him. (The fact that she hung herself was

Friday, October 26, 2012

Horror Story or Reality?

Living your own worst nightmare

This past week I had a conversation with a woman who has had a similar experience to mine. Her husband and her are together, but she is questioning whether or not it will stay that way given all that has happened. We proceeded to talk about my circumstances regarding my now ex-husband and what happened.

It made me start thinking the last couple of days about what it took to forgive the one person I reached out for the day my world turned upside down... The day our son died.

 
 
There are audio cassette tape recordings of that morning, from an answering machine. It took me about eight years before I was finally about to listen to them. I knew they exsisted, I talked about them with my therapist. She heard them, the Attorney's, Doctor's and anyone who evaluated me heard them. I just couldn't for a very long time. I knew it would bring me back to that day in a way like nothing else ever would.
 
postpartum psychosis, natachia barlow ramsey, hunter ramsey, depression,
Chris and I in Matching Genie Costumes I made
for Halloween Circa 1995
When I finally decided I was ready to hear the recordings, I took a copy of the tape and I must have held onto it for weeks before I built up the courage to push play. I only had it on for about 5 seconds and it immediately brought me back in time and I quickly shut it off. So, I sat there, for how long I don't know. I decided I would push play and let it run through until the end no matter what. (This was a series of calls I made to my then husband and he wouldn't answer the phone and kept hanging up on me) A lot of what I am saying is incomprehensible, babbling. But I am begging him to pick up the phone. I am telling him "something is wrong with me" "I can't think" I don't know what's wrong". I remember trying to form whole sentences in my mind and my thoughts were coming so fast I couldn't. Over and Over again  I begged and I called. I was hysterical. Things weren't making sense to me. I remember thinking if he just came there and held me everything would be okay, that somehow he could make it better. My mind was failing me and I was asking my

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Life For Death Punishment?

Is an Eye for an Eye Always Necessary?


I remember at the very end of my trial when the judge sentenced me to the commissioner (back into AMHI) and said there was nothing he could do to punish me more than what I had already been through. That was just the beginning of my realizing how correct he was....

 
 
I guess I became more and more aware of this as I sat in therapy, sometimes daily, and talked about everything from as far back as I could remember all the way to the present. Everytime we had a court date and I listened to testimony about how the biggest danger I posed was to myself. I didn't seem able to impress upon people enough how suicide was no longer an option for me.

postpartum psychosis surviving, natachia barlow ramsey, hunter ramsey, postpartum psychosis, suicide, depression,tachia, postpartum, insane
You see, it took several months for me to wade my way through the fog of postpartum psychosis when I was first committed to AMHI in 1999. I cannot give you a clear, concise timeline of events. As the months passed and I got closer to discharge that September I do remember more and more until I am clear headed. I would say the first two months are in random, skewed order. I have to ask the people around me if and when certain things happened.
 
I don't really remember my son's funeral. I recall people bringing me from the hospital (AMHI) but I don't know how many or who it was. I know my father and aunt were there. I know they had a rocking chair and let me sit and rock my son before anyone else came in. I remember I wasn't allowed to look at him. I remember just trying desperately to try and feel him through all the blankets and whatever else he was wrapped in. My next memory is sitting next to my ex-husband and resting my head on him and crying. I remember these things but I can't see them clearly in my mind. I don't know if it was the crying of just the foggy mind but my vision seemed impaired for a while.
 
So when I was finally convinced that I had to live for my daughter, that was what I was going to do. I engaged in therapy for the first time in my life. Something that had been a long time coming. So, therapy helps educates you on how to keep yourself healthy. You can get as much as you want from your therapy. I suppose that also depends some on the providers as well.  I had some great people helping me.
 
But there's a certain amount of grief and guilt no matter what that just won't go away. Should it? I guess I had a much more drastic approach to this kind of thinking very early on in that I thought I

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Dirty Devil?

When is the devil you don't know better than the devil you do know?

I am often left feeling as though I am choosing between the lesser of two evils. Rather than just being able to make the best decision for example; I have a couple choices and neither of them are fantastic, but I have to choose one of them. So take your pick...

 



We have an election going on (yeah I know, the entire world knows). But we also have a Probate Judge election going on here in Waldo County. You see, while there is some family court stuff brewing upstairs with my grand-daughter Lanah, I also have lots of things circulating downstairs in Probate. Everything from the Guardianship of my daughter to the petition of guardianship of my grand-daughter.
 
 
postpartum psychosis, natachia barlow ramsey, baby, devil, probateI actually petitioned for guardianship of my grand-daughter back in June. At that time we didn't know who her father was so there was the added delay of informing all the putative fathers. But even since finding out there has been a great delay in getting the case heard.
 
I originally petitioned the probate court because I was the one caring for Lanah full time. My daughter had moved in with her boyfriend and would come and visit with Lanah and spend time with her but she wasn't ready to be a full time parent. At that time and in moment's of clarity she would acknowledge this. The concern arose when my daughter wasn't in a good frame of mind and did not have the clarity to realize she wasn't making a good decision.
Was I concerned she would intentionally hurt Lanah? No. But was I concerned she didn't have