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Wednesday, November 14, 2012

One Night in Bangkok...

Reminding myself this isn't exactly Thailand

I have times when I want to do something almost to prove to myself I am alive. Like jumping off a bridge into the ocean. I know it's not actually necessary, but on occasion I have that urge. It's probably similar to the urge I describe below about screaming Fuck You and wanting to Punch People in the Face. Those last two don't sound very ladylike...

Some days I just want to scream Fuck You to the world. There are days when I want to punch people in the face. There are times when I have wondered if this is my reincarnated life as punishment of a past life and I was something truly awful.
natachia barlow ramsey, postpartum psychosis story, not guilty by reason of insanity, not criminally responsible, postpartum depression
Pouring in Chapel Hill Waiting for Lanah
I don't have those moments very often. But on occasion when it feels like everything is just bearing it's weight down on me. I am perhaps just one kind voice away from shedding a bucket full of tears (cue the tears now as I type). I have those thoughts.

I have times when I think I just want to go and find some peace and solace. Other times when I just want the company of the unknown stranger who knows nothing about me and to find comfort in their arms. I know it's short lived. So, I have basically sworn off real dating for now. I'm actually supposed to have a date (I have signed up for those dating websites, all the free ones anyway). I usually get as far as a few email responses and I'll either stop communicating or never follow through with the date.
The idea of introducing someone to my past is exhausting. [Oh that date is supposed to be on this Friday]

It's difficult finding that happy medium of someone that knows about your history and doesn't want to date you Because of it and someone who doesn't know anything about your history and then you end up having to tell them about it. Let me just say there are not dating sites out there that specialize in this.

Oh, the punching people in the face thing? I'm not advocating violence in any way. I was speaking

more to my aggrevation with random people in life you encounter that you just look at and think WTF? Some of them to the point where they leave you -
1.) Scratching you head
2.) Taking a deep breath and shake your head or
3.) Seriously thinking about poking them in the mouth, but you instead grit your teeth and quickly walk away/count to ten.

Is life justified or fair in anyway? No. I come back to that whenever I start to feel bad for myself. I try to find an okay balance between saying it's okay to mourn my losses but not feel as though I have it any worse than anyone else. I'm not some child in Thailand being sold into prostitution who's only existense will be a sex slave, absolute poverty and dying of AIDS.
Balance is good. Knowing when to ask for help. Knowing when your breaking point is approaching. Knowing it's okay to have an evening of grieving for those you have loved and lost. Sometimes it takes more than a night.

I often feel like I toe the line because of my past. I've encountered some truly rotten people in my lifetime and taken some truly rotten shit from them. I think about the liberties they feel they are justified in taking with me while I just stand there and feel as though I have to put up with their hatefulness. Now, if I weren't me and I saw them doing those same things to someone else I would have no problem stepping in and putting a stop to whatever bullying was going on. I have a much harder time advocating for myself.

Perhaps everyone should be assigned a personal advocate, sort of like a guardian angel, to be their 'big stick'.

But when it comes down to it, I just remind myself of something that I mentioned earlier. I am not in Bangkok, Thailand. I am not a young child there being sold into sex slavery and that will be the only existence I know. Living and dying in absolute poverty with AIDS.

I am certain any one of them would trade existences with me any day. Postpartum Psychosis and all.

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