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Sunday, January 19, 2014

So there was this fire

Fire is a Life Force

The title that ran in the Bangor Daily News about out Home burning doesn't 
Woman injured re-entering burning house in Bangor in attempt to save her dogs
really tell you the story about what was really going on inside the house. I feel these waves of emotion wash over me as I open the door to my daughter's bedroom and the entire room was ablaze. It was heart-stopping, I knew I couldn't contain that and I had to dial 911.

I haven't been blogging and posting for a while because of all the legal things happening with my grand-daughter. But I am so full of pure, raw emotion that I came here. 
fire, tragedies natachia barlow ramsey, 40 dillingham st, bangor maine, postpartum psychosis

I have seen other people's houses go up in flames on the news and just about a month or so ago my sister's friend lost her home to a fire. You imagine it, but you don't feel it.
About 5-6 years ago I lost my Uncle and a Cousin in a house fire. I kept envisioning that over and over again in my head for quite some time and how horrible it must have been. Everyone was reassured that they just succumbed to smoke and fell asleep. I think that may happen if you are already asleep. But if not and you are trying to find a way out....

I was in my bedroom upstairs and heard the fire alarm go off. (Actually at first I thought it was on the television. All the alarms were hard wired so once they start beeping they beep from upstairs and down and it's not in unison. It can be confusing.) So I came out of my bedroom and I am at the very top of the stairs and could smell something burning but didn't see anything. 
Honestly I wasn't panicking. I thought.. it's toast. I mean it's ALWAYS burnt toast. So I went to the kitchen and was sniffing the entire way. I saw my daughter in the dining room. I said "it must be upstairs".
So I went back up over the stairs and the first thing I did was go into Karen's room. (This is my daughter's future mom-in-law, she was staying with us briefly) I had recently caught her smoking in there and there's no smoking in the house. I opened her door and there's a small knitting bag on the floor of her room on fire. 
I saw her two dogs huddled in the closet and I did a quick mental check (they're okay), this is small I can put this out and deal with it after. 
My daughter's bedroom door is directly beside Karen's and I opened her door to grab a towel (or something to smother the fire with) and when I opened the door the entire room was on fire. I couldn't contain that. My brain starts to race... I run to get my phone and yell to Shey "It's a fire, get out of the house". 
I am telling 911 my house is on fire and giving them the address. I grab my jacket and go back up over the stairs after seeing Shey was outside. The smoke is so black and thick. I need to get to the dogs. I keep yelling for them but they're not coming and the smoke is billowing, it's happening so fast. I am trying to see if I can see a window to break to let some of the smoke out so I can see, so I can get to the dogs and I can't. I try getting down on the floor and I a yelling over and over again to the dogs. I am lying on the stairs desperate to get them to me. I hear them whining and it's breaking my heart. I can't breathe any longer so I try running around to the back where the window to that room is. But it's on the second floor and fire is shooting out of the window. 
I thought if I can just get to the window and pull them out they'll make it. I am trying to pull this chair out the door to the back to reach the window, when a man comes and drags me away. 

They told me at the hospital the dogs didn't make it. I keep hearing them whine over and over again in my head. I keep thinking I should have just grabbed them when I first went into the bedroom. I should have not grabbed my jacket first....

You have no idea what it really means when people say they lost everything. My glasses, I didn't even have a bra on when I ran out. My hair was knotted up and I had soot in my teeth. I thought I have no tooth brush or even a brush to brush my hair. Some things cannot be replaced. Anything I had left of my son's. That is now gone forever. 
I am just heartbroken and I feel frozen in place right now. We didn't have insurance, so how do you even begin to replace any of everything? It feels so daunting.

Maternal Mental Health Symbol, Natachia Barlow Ramsey, Postpartum Psychosis, Suicide, Maternal Mental Health, Psychotic, Depression