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Friday, May 9, 2014

I Cried today

It's 2am and I have a belly ache

I thought I could drift off but just as I turned off the light my mind began to wander and into a million thoughts it roamed and soon I just began to cry. The crying doesn't happen that often, but here's what does...

I try to close my eyes and as I am fading into sleep my mind wanders and I start thinking about the all
postpartum psychosis, maternal mental health, natachia barlow ramsey, postpartum depression, suicide
the people who I am upset at. All the things going on I want to fix. All the people who have let me down. My thoughts quickly and fluidly digress from one person to another to another as one connection meets another in my mind. 
A lot of these people don't know each other, some do. Each one thinking it's their duty to dole out justice in some form as they see fit. Or it's up to them to make sure _____________ fill in the blank. I am the only one who knows this get repeated all the time. I am the one who goes to bed each night and as my mind wanders I think of the local police officer who I spoke with last week who decided it was up to him to inform my current roommates about my (Postpartum Psychosis) past even though it was completely irrelevant. 
I think of the Ob/Gyn for my daughter we had to fire because he wasn't comfortable with my past so he didn't want me in the room. He then broke confidentiality we found out today. 
I think of the Foster Parents my granddaughter is placed with who won't engage with her bio family and how upsetting that is all around especially for my granddaughter. 
I think of my ex and how much faith I had in him and how much he betrayed me by allowing his sister to put up a hate site with my name registered on it. 

At first I feel angry, but just for a moment. Then it quickly turns to hurt and I want to forgive all these people. Every night that I think of these things (sometimes more sometimes less); in the end whoever it was, and whatever it is that's hurting me or that I am angry at; I want to forgive. I want to let these things go. I don't want to lie awake at night and let these people or things invade my head and thoughts. 

I practice pushing them out of my mind. I practice forgiving each person. I even envision telling the person I forgive them. Sometimes just doing that brings tears to my eyes. In my mind that means it's working. 
I'm not an angry person. Even when I am really angry and quite livid I don't even tend to raise my voice. I have a hard time staying angry. I want to forgive.

I mean, don't we all just want to be forgiven?

Maternal Mental Health Symbol, Postpartum Psychosis, Natachia Barlow Ramsey, Suicide, Depression, Maternal Mental Health, Psychosis

Thursday, May 1, 2014

RE- POST - Postpartum Depression vs Postpartum Psychosis; 1, 2, 3, 4, - I declare... War?

Are We Battling for Our Place; Our Voice?

In my longstanding pursuit of wanting to not only have a voice myself, but to enable others to have a voice in similar circumstances as well, it seems we have (and by "we" I mean 'me') inadvertently stepped on some toes. It's often difficult to be heard unless you shout in this busy world of everyone talking over everyone else. 

So generally I still start out by saying in an ever so low voice, "excuse me, would you be so kind". Then I work up to "pardon me, I have something to say and I would appreciate some of your time". (Now this may happen a couple times) To eventually "Excuse Me! I Have Something I Am Going To Say And I Will Be Heard"! *Sigh*

postpartum psychosis, maternal mental health, natachia barlow ramsey, postpartum depression, suicide
Stormy Outside My Home Today. Our First

Nor'Easter Of the Year.
Honestly, it never feels good to get to the point of the proverbial finger shaking (even in my own mind as I type). But what's a gal to go? I mean these are important issues. 
Bridging the gap from the tragedies, to the happy endings of where we find ourselves at the mercy of Postpartum Mood Disorders. They strip us of our ability to function at the most basic level. They can take away our sense of reasoning and our ability to rationalize. It attacks our brain; what we rely on to tell us something isn't right. If our brain is telling us  the water isn't hot and we get in it and our brain doesn't register it as pain, we get burned. 

So as I have stated previously, I have been wanting to narrow the gap between what I feel is all the women running blogs and speaking on websites about how they "survived" Postpartum Depression or Postpartum Psychosis or any Postpartum Affliction. I think it is more than wonderful that all those women are reaching out and talking. I want to hear from all the "other" women as well. Not only the women who committed infanticide or attempted suicide. But their families of suicide survivors. Also as one women on another site recently commented -