I Forgive You

An Open Letter to My Ex-Husband

After I was sick, and Hunter died; it took me a very long time to forgive you. Years and years in therapy and praying. Even as I type this it brings tears to my eyes. You see, for ever and a day ago I had forgiven you. But that forgiveness was for myself. I couldn't continue to hold onto so much anger. Now I am forgiving you for you...

Dear Chris,

   I forgive you for not being there. I know this was something I struggled greatly with myself. For the couple of months after I became sick with Postpartum Psychosis and I sat in AMHI I came in and out of lucidity, especially at first.

The clearer and clearer my mind became, the more and more I asked how my brain could fail me in such a way. 

I remember being told certain things I could not remember and some things to this day I am not sure if they are my own memories, or if I am remembering them because I have been told about them. 

I am not sure where it is anymore but around 2006 or so I finally felt strong enough to listen to the answering machine tape that you handed over to the police. It took me several attempts to get through it. I felt brought back in time. I was hysterical on the tape. Begging you to help me. I remembered you kept hanging up the phone and I would call back and that's why there were so many calls on the machine of me like that, over and over. Crying, asking you to pick up the phone. Telling you something was wrong. I didn't know what was wrong but begging you to help me, over and over. I didn't know it then but I guess you had a date with another woman that day. (Maybe there was someone there right then and you just never told me.) All I know is this; you were my husband and I was desperate for help and I needed you. I couldn't even make complete thoughts in my head and I didn't know what was happening to me. 

That right there, the begging, crying and outright telling you repeatedly that I needed you to help me because something wasn't right. That was really a hard one to forgive. It still is sometimes. Especially when I hear you saying things about what was happening back then that aren't true. 

But, I have been thinking that maybe you need to know that I have forgiven you so you can forgive yourself. 

I am giving you the benefit of the doubt and saying that if we could do that all over again you would do it differently. If you knew better back then that you would have helped. 

So, I forgive you. I forgive you for not being there when I needed you. I not only forgive you for me, I forgive you for you. 

I won't get into the specific things you said because I believe saying them again gives them power and I will not repeat what you said in anger about Hunter. But we both know the ugliness that came from your mouth about him because you did not believe him to be your son. I forgive you for those hateful words. I forgive for forsaking our son and for those words crossing your lips. I forgive you for you.

We were married for 12 years and had two children. There are many, many more things that could be said and many more things that could be listed here. These seem like they need to be said out loud the most... 

So I forgive you for me and I forgive you for you. Now, forgive yourself.

 Natachia Barlow Ramsey; Postpartum Psychosis Survivor and Loser