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Saturday, August 1, 2015

Why Do I Write?

I Write for Maternal Mental Health and Postpartum Survivors

I write to ease the burden on my soul. I write to allow my words to carry some of the weight I feel so pronounced on my shoulders. I write hoping to find the exact phrase that might express exactly how this mixed bag of emotional turmoil I feel inside myself might glide from my fingertips and onto the keyboard someday. But, mostly; well mostly I write because -

I write because I remember how lonely I was. I remember that for over 13 years I would sit and try to connect with others about my experience and no one was talking publicly. The closest I came to speaking to someone was when I left a comment on Carol Blocker's page for her daughter and was contacted by Theresa Twomey about the book she was writing. I considered that for quite
Postpartum psychosis, Teresa Twomey, Understanding Postpartum Psychosis, Natachia Barlow Ramsey, Maternal Mental Health
some time. But it still didn't have me talking with other women who had lost their children to Postpartum Psychosis

There was never one particular reason, there were several that got me started blogging. But after waiting for 13 years for someone else to start speaking publicly about losing a child to Postpartum Psychosis, I decided that perhaps I wasn't the only one waiting. Maybe they were all waiting too and someone always has to go first right? I thought, I needed to take my voice back. I needed to take charge of what people read about me and I needed to take the first steps in letting other women know they were not alone. We may be in the minority, but we are here and we are hurting but we are not alone.
You are not alone.

Yes, that was me. I took the life of my son. I did not do it because he was unloved. I did not do it out of anger. I thought in those moments I was being a loving mother and I have no way to rationalize my thinking that day. My thinking made sense to me That day. My mind failed me. I believed no one wanted my son but me. His father did not believe that Hunter (our son) was his son. I had been depressed during my pregnancy and had pneumonia when my son was born.  I cried for my mother who had been dead for over 10 years my first day home from the hospital. Something I hadn't done for years. 
I can look back now and see all kinds of different signs but when you are in the midst of it you just can't see it. 
Other women who have been sick with a Postpartum Mood Disorder and have lost a child or have harmed a child need to know they're not alone. I get numerous emails from women thanking me for talking. I feel grateful for that. This isn't exactly something people want to talk about. But it's something that has to be talked about.
No one wants to end up like me or any of the other mothers who have no one to talk to and don't know or understand what is happening to them.

Don't let silence or misunderstanding be the cause of this happening to one more woman and family. Every time you reach just one person with a kind word you are paying it forward whether you know it or not. #PostpartumUnity

*This was originally written in October 2014 and left unpublished. It is the first of many to come that have been sitting as drafts*

~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~

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