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Monday, February 29, 2016

Whatever it Takes

Life in no Uncertain Terms

I've known for quite some time to hope for the best, expect the worst and know it will fall somewhere in between. 

At the beginning of this month, my son-in-law, stole my daughter's SSI check for which he was the payee, and took a bus back to Maine. He also took the rent money and didn't even leave a dollar for his 6 month old son. We have been fortunate enough to have made a couple friends here in our short time here. Those friends, who owe us nothing and have no obligation to me or my daughter, took us in. I am now at the point where I am selling my pink moped and have listed it on Craigslist. Because sometimes you really do have to do whatever it takes.

My daughter and I both at least two separate times have reached out to the in-laws to explain what happened and let them know their son left his baby here with nothing. Now this is not the first time nor should I expect it would be the last time he would pull something like this. Without going into details, I have had to excuse myself more than once for the excessive name calling he subjected me to. Not only did I take him to medical appointments, buy his medication, clothes, food and countless other things for a year prior to us leaving for South Carolina, I transported him to court and other miscellaneous things. More than once I missed a vehicle payment. In return for that, when I was behind six weeks on my car payments, he called the title holder in Maine and took a $250 payment for telling them where I was. My vehicle was repossessed. He then proceeded to complain we didn't have a vehicle to get places. 
Shortly thereafter he left just me, without rent money and took my 39 week pregnant daughter to
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Bringing back a stroller I picked up for them

When they wanted to come back a couple months later, I gladly took them in and spent all my funds buying the baby what he needed along with toys, baby gear and two months worth of rent. 
I knew something along these lines would happen. Am I sorry he's gone? No. He was more than unpleasant to be around and was spiteful, angry, antagonistic and arrogant. I am greatly saddened though that my grandson will not have his father around. As much disdain I had for that man, I could never deny a child the opportunity to spend time with their parent. 

My daughter was heartbroken and devastated that he would just up and leave within a 20 minute window And take all of the money with him. Not leaving his son anything. What a legacy. 

So, did my daughter's in-laws even respond when either of us reached out to say 'hey this baby needs diapers, food and more'? No. Not even an acknowledgement of getting the emails (although facebook does provide that nifty little time stamp when someone reads it). Hey, facebook is good for something after all besides endless food photos. 
The only person who helped at all, was my own father. He is not working and has had numerous surgeries on his shoulder making it impossible for him to work and the process he has been going through to get disability while he is healing has been unending. He has a beater for a vehicle, lives on next to nothing and I do mean nothing. He is probably the least financially stable and has no money. I mean literally No money. Less than paycheck to paycheck because he doesn't get a paycheck. So the poorest financially has the most to give. He would rather go without than see his grandson without what he needs. 

I will tell you what my daughter's in-laws said the last times they asked for help (which was just a short while before my son-in-law left), they said they couldn't because their accountant died. What!!?  Even as I sit here and type this, I am in awe of the disconnect between some affluent people and what it really means to be without. Apparently their idea is going without an accountant. 

So, here we are. Several weeks away from standing back on our feet independently and I am left with selling My Pink Myrtle Moped. This has been the first thing I have owned outright since selling my things for North Carolina and then losing everything in the fire. I know most of you know how freeing and happy I was to have it. I even made an instagram account #MyPinkMyrtleMoped and shared some photos. I've driven that thing everywhere; hot cold and raining. 

But sometimes you have to do whatever it takes to make sure those around you are cared for and have what they need. I have nothing else to sell right now that's worth anything. I am trying and it seems as though I am spinning in circles. I need money to get the things I need and I can't get money without those things. But, sometimes you just have to do whatever it takes to survive. In this case, unfortunately, it means selling my beloved Pink Moped. 

Natachia Barlow Ramsey; Postpartum Psychosis Survivor and Loser

 ~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~

Friday, February 19, 2016

Silence Really is Deadly

Suicide's Best Friend

Suicide has a friend and it's called silence. When you remain silent, when you don't speak up, share your stories; suicide is winning. The only way to erase stigma is by talking. Talk to each other. Help each other. You are responsible for making those around you aware of how suicide has impacted your life and those you care most about.

In my life I have know  more people lost to suicide than I care to think about. I can tell you from personal experience that not talking about what happens just bolsters the courage of the next person to follow through with taking their own life.
My mother hanged herself in our bathroom when I was 14 years old. We
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didn't talk about it. We rarely spoke of her. The little that was talked about was in anger. It left everyone in the family asking questions. But, no one was asking those questions out loud. There was so much shame surrounding my mother taking her life (and I can tell you with certain family members there still is) that not a word was spoken. We didn't go to therapy. We certainly weren't raising any awareness around suicide, the loss of a parent and loved one. My mother was not just my mother. She was a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a friend and so much more. She has been reduced to the woman who hung herself in our bathroom.
The year following my mother's death, her father (my grandfather) sat a chair in the doorway of the shed that was attached to our old Maine house. He called my grandmother on the phone (she was across the street at her brother's house) and asked her to come over. (They were separated at the time) She started out the door and walked partway down the drive before turning around and heading back into house.
The fog was so thick that August morning, you couldn't see from one house to the other. They were maybe 100 yards apart.
She heard a gunshot. My grandfather had shot himself in the heart. I was thankful when I got up that morning I couldn't see into that doorway. I've always felt him shooting himself in the heart was significant. His daughter, (my mother) hanged herself the year before. But, no one spoke of this. What questions did he have that were unanswered. The same as the rest of us. But no one spoke. 

I have a responsibility to raise awareness. The road has been long and it's not over. But, what good can come of keeping silent? Suicide wins. Through the years, since that time, I have lost friends. Many friends. We have also lost so many with the Postpartum Community. You are not alone. You are never alone and there is always someone willing to talk to you. I am always willing to talk to you. There are communities of women (and men) who are more than willing to stay up, take your call. Chat with you or just be there on the other end of the computer. I've stayed up many nights, I've gotten countless emails, I've stayed on the phone for hours talking. Just being. Sometimes, just sometimes that's all it takes. People do not want to be alone and you are not alone in this. Suicide cannot win. Don't let it.
If suicide has impacted your life, talk about it. Ask questions, reach out to those around you who have also been affected. They want to talk as well. Someone always has to go first. Anyone who's ever visited this site, knows that's one of mine I rely on.
Be the first. Go first. Someone always has to and it can be you. Suicide's best friend is silence and silence really is deadly. 

Natachia Barlow Ramsey; Postpartum Psychosis Survivor and Loser

postpartum psychosis, natachia barlow ramsey, suicide, depression, mental health awareness

~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~