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Tuesday, September 6, 2016

And So It Goes

Believing in People

I've brought all of you along with me, in part for my own sake and in part so I can help others benefit from my journey. Not everyone has to make the same mistakes or suffer the same consequences. People shouldn't all have to have heartache or heartbreak if it can be prevented.
Unfortunately, life just wants to kick your ass over and over again at times and while you're lying there in the dirt, you wonder if you will ever, ever learn certain lessons...

I like believing in people, or at least trying to. I don't have anyone in particular that I am especially close to. I have family and some friends and those have been the same people for a very long time that I hold dear. I have all of you, the people I keep apprised of this "process" and the
postpartum psychosis, natachia barlow ramsey, maternal mental health, depression, suicide, sunlight
A Date Worth Flossing For
struggles along with the victories.

I have another process for allowing people into my life at various levels. It's not set in stone exactly and it deviates depending on the person/situation. 
Dating has allowed me to get to know people at these various levels on everything from a meet and greet to allowing them to enter into my life in more intimate ways. The majority of these people do not make it past the very casual first stages of the first date or two and we never really text again, about 60% them. I assume it's like that for many people.
Another 25% we talk for a bit, and maybe even become friendly; that may just be where it ends up. I've made a few friends since being down here, some know about my history and some don't. I don't feel it's necessary to divulge my history to people at all times. Depending on the circumstances and what we're discussing, there may be times it just comes up. I direct them to this site.
It's frequently because they've lost a loved one to suicide. Besides writing about Postpartum Psychosis, I advocate and write a lot about suicide awareness and prevention. I strongly believe that had my mother not hung herself in our bathroom, perhaps gotten the help she needed when she was younger, the events that arose in my life wouldn't have taken place.
I digress...

So, there's that 15% left. Let's see; that's trickier to break down. Of those, there's probably another 10-12% that I start to inevitably phase out. Which is this: We hit it off and seem to have chemistry. There may be any number of those variables that we have in common. Depending on schedules and locations, we spend time together and are communicating frequently. Sometimes, I will start to throw out small pieces of information ahead of time to try and gauge their reaction. This will again vary depending on the information they are giving me. Obviously if they come from a family with a history of mental health issues and they mention it themselves, I'm not going to toss out the same kind of information as if they tell me no one in their family/friends have any kind of mental health issues that they are aware of. 

Technology has sped this process up sadly. It used to be I could take a few months while I got to know someone. Now, this system usually happens over the course of a few weeks. It sort of sucks. There's no courtship anymore. No summertime romance, where you just get to know someone and stay up late talking and hanging out. Making pancakes at midnight. Making love until dawn. Technology has robbed people of the mystery that comes along with the romance of discovering someone. Allowing them to know you in your time.

But, very fortunate for me, I have this public voice and I am able to keep the very best parts of myself to myself. Because even the parts of me I do share during these few weeks are not the whole me. They're a tiny snippet. Sure, I am sharing a few things that are not displayed on these pages and depending upon the person I am getting to know, it's likely we have some things in common that we are discovering together that are only privy to us.
I had someone ask me recently, or make a rather bold assumption that I told the world everything about myself. Or shared everything about myself. I didn't in that moment go into details because I knew they were referring specifically to this website. My response was to speak specifically to that.
But, and here's the but; I have many, many things in my life that only I know about. I have other websites. Other social media accounts. I do a lot of things that I currently am the only one who knows about. I'm an entire person of connect the dots and I am the only person who knows where all those dots go. I would love to be able to share with one other person where all those dots connect to. But for now, that's for me alone. Let's leave it at that. 

At some point in time I want to be able to share it all. But it hasn't happened and I'm not going to make it happened. It will happen when it's going to, when it supposed to, with a genuine person. Someone who speaks the truth and knows what really matters in life.

So, the last 3-5%, I usually tell them my story in some way.
We all know about when I drank a bottle of wine last fall (which I actually forgot about until I reread the other day) and woke up with lasagna in my bed (not cool). I never drink and I will never do that again. Or, most often, I direct them to this site. I've handed someone a newspaper article before. I've even had someone find it before I got it to them. That was almost a nice surprise.
Most people are okay after a while. It's the initial shock I think and a lot of questions. I completely understand that. I don't mind the questions, I prefer it. I'd rather someone take an interest, seeing it's such a huge part of my life. 
When I initially tell someone my emotions run really high for about two days. I know the pattern now. What I don't know is everyone else's pattern because else is an individual. A lot of times people try to play it cool, they go to the website and read a lot. Then they get standoffish. How much people want to talk after that depends. 

But, the last 3-5% of people are the ones who get to me. Those are the people I care about. I've learned about them, listened to them, heard them. Probably more than they realize. I've heard their voices, sensed their mood. I've gotten to know them and decided I liked them enough to take a chance. Those are the people that mean something to me. Honestly I don't like that many people, I'm guarded. I've built a fairly large wall. For me, it's also a one person at a time process. When I am "casually" dating off tinder or POF, I'll go out on three meet and greets a week. But once I hit it off with someone, I have to concentrate. I think that's just me. I'm made that way.

I'm not made casual. I care about people in my life, even those who enter it briefly by choice. Especially those I want to stick around. But you can't make people want to stay, you just hope they do.

And so it goes...
Believing in People

Natachia Barlow Ramsey; Postpartum Psychosis Survivor and Loser

~Be Loud, Be Purposeful, Be Strong, Be Courageous, Be Creative, Be Something~